My Unexpected Houseguest

A Florida freeze, a stunned lizard, and a very conflicted animal lover

Temperatures here in Florida dropped to 27° F overnight. Although it sounds like a bad joke, yes, Virginia, iguanas really do fall out of the trees when it gets this cold. In fact, I nearly stepped on one the other night when I took Jax out for his nightly potty trip.After reading warnings, I put on gloves and carefully picked up the limp body. He’s now resting comfortably in a Tupperware container.

Can’t you see that at a Tupperware home party? “Here we have the ever-so versatile iguana tote. Ideal for those potlucks where you’re invited to BYOI (bring your own iguana). No, he can’t crawl out. At least, we don’t think he can…”

Size matters

This little lizard-cicle is about 12” long in the body and another 12” in the tail. According to Florida Wildlife and Conservation, I need to call them for pickup. They will then dispose of him humanely.

Okay, they lied. They explained to me that it’s my job to dispose of the iguana humanely. Say what?

The young man on the phone suggested that I first “stun the iguana.” A hammer works best, he said. Then I would need to drive a screwdriver into its brain. Directly into the brain. Or I could continue to smash the iguana in the head until I’m sure its brain is “nonfunctional.”

Yes, Bob Dylan, I have a hammer. I use it for crafting. I’m not sure I want to clean iguana brains off of it.

I am not that crafty

We proceeded to discuss other methods of iguana disposal. Here is a list of ways we considered: Could I freeze it? No. In fact, that would probably do very little good. Nor could I gas it (not even sure how I’d do that with my electric car.) Drowning is not recommended.

They couldn’t help

I admit. I’m torn. I dearly love all animals. But there’s a limit. See, Florida is home to a lot of uninvited pests, including pythons (Everglades mainly), cane toads (double-yuck), and iguanas. Iguanas eat ornamental plants and native reptiles, poop a lot, and cause environmental damage by burrowing. Most of all, I love little green anoles, the American chameleon (Anolis carolinensis) or green anole, a small anole that can change color. But these are being decimated by brown anoles, iguanas, and knight anoles. To survive, they’ve been forced to climb higher and higher in trees and shrubs, so seeing one is a real treat.

So no, the Florida Wildlife people couldn’t help me.

I called Martin County. That dispatcher was extremely curt. No, they only pick up DEAD animals.

Dressed to kill?

I called Jupiter Island Public Safety. That’s our police department. They sent out a very nice man who explained he couldn’t kill my iguana for me. I stood back and stared at him. He had a Glock. A taser. A bullet-proof vest. A radio. And various other equipment. If the iguana was on his property, he would kill it, but he couldn’t do it on my property. He was sorry he couldn’t help. “But if you put it out on the road, someone will run over it. The entire stretch of Beach Road is littered with dead iguanas that have fallen out of trees and been hit by cars.” He casually mentioned that he thought my lizard was not an iguana but “one of those lizards that walks on water.”

Oops. Mistaken identity

I think he was right. In fact, now that my lizard has regained consciousness, and I’ve gotten a better look at him, I’m pretty sure he is NOT an iguana but a brown basilisk. Brown basilisks are brown or dark olive. They have a distinct yellow or cream-colored stripe on each side of their body that runs from the eye down their back. A second stripe is often visible on the face extending to the shoulder. They have long, thin tails and long rear toes. Adults can range in size from 11 to 27 inches.

Sadly, Researchers have identified some nonnative lizards as part of the West Nile ecological cycle in Florida.

I’m conflicted

Now I really don’t know what to do about him…

Florida is a place where beauty and absurdity share a zip code. We import creatures, plants, ideas, and then act surprised when they don’t behave. Tonight I’m the reluctant steward of a reptilian refugee I never asked for, trying to balance compassion with reality. If there’s a lesson here, it might be that living in paradise occasionally requires decisions no brochure ever mentions. But it’s a problem I might delegate to Cara Mia Delgatto in an upcoming book!

Your thoughts? I’d love to hear them!

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More about Brick

Fortunately, the kind of drama I prefer usually lives on the page. In All In, the risks are high, the stakes are emotional, and no actual reptiles require emergency decision-making. Brick Lansky can handle danger far better than I can handle an unexpected houseguest with scales. If you joined our launch party, thank you for celebrating with us — and if you missed it, I have a special bonus excerpt waiting for you: https://BookHip.com/BAHFWPP

And love from me, Joanna